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Wordplay!

Doing it this Sunday. My last lengthy run was about 8ish miles way back when the Rubik’s Cube was popular.  Friends keep asking me if I’m “ready.” To which I laugh, dismiss them with a wave of my hand and weep uncontrollably. It’s not the over two hours of continuous motion that leaves me violated, it’s the feeling that somehow a thousand phantom faeries must have charley horsed the crap out of my muscles rendering me unable to walk normally afterwards. Is it just me?? Did I offend??

Anyway, you all should go out there and participate. Run it. Okay, fine, at least walk it. Okay fine, then while you make fun of us, can you please cut up little wedges of oranges and feed us too? Thank you.

Because I’m a well-organized kind of chiquita, I’ve broken the debate down for you into 4 categories. Yes, you may worship me.

I. Pain Factor –

Those who’ve actually experienced waxing will tell you that the idea of applying molasses to your hair and yanking it out is much more painful in theory than reality. Yeah it hurts, but since you’re applying considerable amounts of wax at a time, the pain is over pretty quickly.

On the other hand, the laser used in hair removal is “applied” in small doses. A technician holds a hand piece much like a bulky barcode reader and “zaps” with a specific wavelength of light. Even though you’ve applied a numbing cream prior to treatment, it does hurt. If you laser your groin area, you can expect a series of a bunch of small electric zaps. Crying like a little girl with a pink bedroom is optional.

II. Convenience –

Waxing is immediate. The moment your waxologist is finished with you, you’re hair-free.

On the other hand, with laser, once you’re done, you will have little flecks of singed hair follicles that stick to your skin. These flecks are harmless, unlike Chernobyl flecks, and will fall off on their own within a couple of hours to a day or two.

III. Longevity –

Successive & continuous waxing (sometimes as early as the 1^st session, but typically within 3-5 sessions), will yield finer, thinner hair with noticeably less growth.

The general opinion is that laser hair removal is permanent, and the Food and Drug Administration approved it as “permanent reduction,” but doesn’t work on everyone. The use of the term “permanent” mistakenly leads patients into thinking that their laser hair removal is indeed permanent, but this is not the case. If you ask a reputable laser technician, they will tell you that The FDA permits the use of the word “permanent” as long as “the laser reduces some visibly growing hairs for as short a time as one growth cycle”.

See, the thing is people who respond best to the laser hair removal treatments tend to possess lighter skin tones and a darker hair color. The greater the contrast, the easier it is for the laser light to focus on the darker material, or the pigment in the hair. People with blond or light colored hair will probably not benefit very much from this procedure.

Unfortunately, no long term studies have been conducted to test the true permanency of laser hair removal. But thus far, repeated sessions (the number of sessions depend on an individual’s hair density and coloring) seem to indicate a significant reduction in hair growth.

IV. Bottom Line

 I know that many of you will think I am biased b/c I’m a waxologist. But FYI, for several years, I decided to try laser hair removal for my bikini line because I was genetically prone to ingrown hairs. I thought that if I used laser on my bikini line, I could avoid that problem entirely.

I had consultations with half a dozen different laser practices. Their prices ran the gamut from reasonable ($100 per session) to highway robbery ($450 per session). My decision was based on the professionalism/cleanliness of the office, my personal comfort level with the technician and pricing. By chance, I ended up with someone who was moderately priced (about $145 per visit).

Each of my 11 diligent visits spaced five weeks apart hurt like a mofo. You come in ½ an hour early, spread prescription strength numbing cream on your cootchie cootchie and then hold an ice bag on your privates (brrrrrr!!!) to ensure every last nerve ending you have is cryogenically suspended and still every zap made me want to kick my technician in the face.  

Initially my laser girl quoted me 6-8 visits and packaged the deal to give me a hefty discount. After all of my visits, I still wasn’t completely hairless. Instead, my pretty flower was now bereft in most places with the most random hair growth in others. Sure I had a lot less hair but the hair I did have looked like a couple of lily pads in an otherwise still pond. Seeing that I wasn’t going to be the dolphin I was going for, I decided to switch tactics and focused on getting waxed regularly.

I’ve now come to realize that although the lasers of today are a vast improvement over the lasers of yesteryear, it is still an imperfect science. Although the clearance is significant, it is impossible for a laser to remove all your hair as you will be left with random patches. Also, some of the hair does grow back. That said, nothing else will clear that large a path for such a prolonged period of time.

If you’re serious about hair removal, I’d suggest a marriage of both procedures. Start your deforestation with several continuous waxing sessions (about 6-8). This will alter the growth of your hair, lessening both the density & re-growth frequency. You will now have far less hair to laser, costing much less than it would have to laser the amount of hair you had at the start of your endeavor. In addition to less money, less hair also means less exposure time to the laser and hallelujah, less pain. After you’ve achieved all you can with the laser (probably 6-10 sessions), switch to monthly waxes to remove the residual patches.

Although waxing has the immediate satisfaction of smoothness, it lacks the “permanence” of lasers. And although lasers offer a long term solution to overall hair lessening, it lacks the complete smoothness of waxing. Alone, they’re like peanut butter without his jelly, but together, they’re like cupcakes – perfect.

Those close to me know that I lost my brother to cancer recently. It was a ten year struggle and even though the signs of his defeat were evident for some time, I chose not to acknowledge them. I wanted another ten years, several more lifetimes….and I thought if I could just will it to happen, he would be with me forever.I was with him when he passed away - my father, mother, siblings - we all were with him. They all told him how much they loved him, how he had to be brave and go first and that we’d join him later. I didn’t say anything. I’m not sure why. I just held his hand until they told me I had to let him go.

Those who know me, know how much he meant to my life. How much I loved him, how much I learned from him, and how I so wanted to be like him. Although his attributes were many, above all else, he was very, very brave. Despite ten years of chemotherapy, radiation, multiple surgeries, and experimental drugs, we never saw him without a smile.

A year prior to his passing, he & I learned about running marathons with Team-In-Training to raise money for cancer research. He decided we would run/walk it together and while his death stalled our plans, we subsequently crossed the finish line together with his picture pinned against my heart in 2007. In October 2008, I cut 16 inches of my hair in my
brother’s name and donated it to Locks of Love to make wigs for cancer patients. And in March 2009, my brother will again be against my heart as we raise more money in the fight against cancer and complete our first triathlon in Hawaii.

I know it is a lot to ask but I am asking that you contribute what you can to my brother’s memory. I believe cancer can be cured in our lifetime and I owe it to him to at least try to make that possible.

Luv you all.

-J

**Please click here to contribute

Holy Moly! Can’t believe it’s that time of year again for the annual Applied Materials Silicon Valley Turkey Trot.

Last year, I was woefully unprepared. Although I’d run a marathon before, I got lazy and didn’t keep up with the training. So what should have been an easy lil 10k jaunt turned into My Personal Day of Embarrassment. Friends kept asking me, “Didn’t you finish a marathon before? Why are you heaving like an asthmatic?”

Ah yes, hugs and kisses all around.

Now that I think about it, it was pretty funny actually. I ran my run of shame, came home and crashed in bed. Yeah, I never got the whole “runner’s high” that day.

Here’s hoping this year will be different.

Anyone who comes to me with evidence they’ve signed up for the Turkey Trot gets $5 off their waxing in November. Gobble Bobble.

Been slammed lately. Along with Manzilians, many of you are also getting your legs waxed (a la carte $50, with your manzilian it’s $100 total). Although the camp is divided (50% of you are cyclists, the other 50% are my gorgeous trannies), all of you have impossibly long ass legs. Why oh why do dudes get to have long ass legs and I’m stuck with stumps? Huh??? Why???

I’m also getting a lot of new dudes gearing up for the Exotic Erotic Ball 2008 in San Francisco, getting smooth so they can slink into the latex and leather. Oh the depravity, it’s so exciting!!! For those of you who’ve been living in a bag of gummi bears and have no idea what the Exotic Erotic Ball is (by the way, the mechanical beasts you see roaming the streets are called “cars” – don’t be alarmed), it’s a huge soiree attended by half naked, nearly naked and plain naked folks in the name of Halloween. Even those who think the evolution of this party has become too “commercial” for their taste will concede the dancing (read: dry humping) is sexy, the music (read: bass thumping) is crazy and the costumes (read: fine, nakedness) is creative.

Bah! Just go! Experience the nuttiness and take pictures. Any client of mine – new or seasoned – who comes in with a EEBall ticket gets $5 off!

Little Boy Buffet

Had a crotch like a muppet

But wanted it smooth & hair free

Along came Jane

Who Waxed His Nether Mane

Lessening the pain to a tolerable degree

Boys, I now offer those of you who can’t handle the pain of waxing (read: wusses) a numbing cream made by PFB called Numb-it. Yes it works. I’ve tried it on my clients who were able to take the pain previously but now can’t imagine waxing without it. Normally offered at $25, you can get it from me for $20.

Keep in mind that you need to apply it for 20 minutes prior to your visit and the numbing lasts for about 30 minutes.

And I kid, I kid, if you need the assistance of a numbing cream, I won’t call you a wuss. To your face. Heh.

Valentines Day is around the corner boys. I HIGHLY suggest you make dinner reservations NOW.

12 years ago I dated this boy. Nice guy. Great body. Made me laugh enough We’d been dating for 6 months at this point and since it was our first Valentine’s Day together, we agreed to “divide the chores.” I’d handle the entertainment and he’d handle dinner plans. So I bought tickets to a show in San Francisco. Pricey tickets – we’re talking about $125 a pop because if I’m going to see a show with my man, I’m going to splurge on good seats.

So, Nice Guy (hereinafter “F$%khead”) and I get all dolled up on Cupid’s Day. He’s in his sassy suit and I’m rockin a new tight skirt, with my thigh-hi fishnets and hooker heels. Together, we looked class-y. We go to Crustacean in San Francisco. We’re both excited because we’re playing dress-up and the anticipation of good food always gets us going. We approach the host and F$%kheaad says, “Table for two, please?”

WTF?!?!? I think to myself, Don’t you mean to say – Hi, We have a RESERVATION for two? As if he read my mind, the host politely says, “Sir, what’s the name of your reservation?” to which F$%khead responds, “We don’t have a reservation.”

We don’t have a reservation?!?!?! Again, the host must’ve been telepathic because I swear he grabbed his heart and faintly whispered, “Sir, it’s Valentine’s Day. You don’t have a reservation?” to which F$%khead responded, “No, I didn’t know we needed one.”

What??? What do you mean you didn’t know???? Have you never gone out before??? Do you NOT know that the sky is blue, the grass green, that the Earth revolves around the sun and not vice versa? That to get laid on Valentine’s Day all you have to do is pick up the phone make a frickin reservation!?!?!

The host looks at me as if to say, I’m so sorry you’re dating this F$%khead, then turns to F$%khead and says, “I’m sorry but we’re booked solid. The best we can do is put you on a wait list, have you wait at the bar and if there are any cancellations or no-shows, we can squeeze you in.” F$%khead asks, “Can we eat at the bar,” and is all triumphant because he thinks he’s found a solution to our dilemma until the host says, “Sure, IF YOU CAN FIND ROOM.”

The bar was packed with other couples all made of women who weren’t talking to their respective partners. A full hour of silence later, I couldn’t swallow my curiosity any longer.

“I thought your job was to take care of dinner.”

“It was.”

“How, exactly, did you take care of dinner when we don’t have a reservation?”

“Well, I chose the place. I thought you just wanted me to choose a place.”

Ugh.

Anyway, most places have some sort of prix fixe menus. Pricey, sure. But here is a list of restaurants I’ve gone to in the past that I think are worth the Valentine’s splurge (continuous updates to follow):

XANH Restaurant in Mountain View - $80 per person for a 5 course meal and an alcoholic drink from a Special Menu. Two seatings, either 6:00 or 8:30. We went here last year and it was FANTASTIC!!! They were generous with their portions and anyone who comes here will attest that the food is fantastic and ALWAYS artfully presented. Best of all, for Valentines, the whole atmosphere was just sexy and romantic. They decorated the tables with candles, flowers & a tiny centerpiece of cute little candies. It’s a little pricey but you get soooooo much for your money. A lot of restaurants will simply have a fixed menu but do nothing in terms of ambience. This wasn’t the case at XANH as they totally transformed the decor to make it cozy and intimate. My girlfriend is a regular there and told me they’re moving into slightly larger space down the street from their original location. She knows the owner who gave her a tour of the place and said the new place is even sexier than the original space. I’m excited about this because south of San Francisco, there aren’t too many hip, modern, sexy little joints. I’ve been to lots of restaurants for Valentine’s Day and I can tell you, unequivocally, XANH was probably the only place that got everything right. If you plan on going, make sure you make a reservation now as they sell out quickly. We made our reservations 2 weeks ago.

Isa Restaurant in San Francisco - $89 per person, 4 courses - Isa is a cute, romantic little restaurant in San Francisco. Parking is horrendous in that area so if you plan on coming here, make sure to leave room to find a parking space. A cliche to say, but this place is a gem. It serves small plates that are just plain tasty. Unfortunately, they don’t do much in terms of amping up their place w/ special Valentines decor, but it’s so cute anyway.

Maybe it’s the new year, maybe Jupiter’s in retrograde - whatever the reason may be, a good number of new clients are coming to me to prep their pubic area for a new tattoo. For those interested, here are a couple of things to consider:

1) A tattoo on the pubic bone is like a tattoo anywere else - it still goes in the skin wich means that if you shave, your hair will grow back and depending on how thick your hair is it might conceal it when fully grown

2) Getting tattooed doesn’t destroy the hair follicles. Quite frankly, healing can be the ichiest part because that’s when the hair grows back if you shaved beforehand.

3) If you are getting that area tattooed you should wax 72 hours prior to your appointment so that the skin is nice and smooth which makes it easier for application for the tattoo artist.

Regular waxing will then cause a lessening of the hair growth in that area, keeping your tattoo visible and clean, clean, clean. Some local bay area tattoo artists for you to consider:

Adrian Lee of Analog Tattoo in San Jose

Andy Johnson of Metamorphic in San Jose

Barnaby of Mom’s Body Shop in San Francisco

Bill & Junii Salmon of Diamond Club in San Francisco

Blake Brand of Graven Image in Mountain View

Brian Hutflies of Braindrops in San Francisco

Brian Kaneko of Diamond Club in San Francisco

Chino of Fineline Tattoo in Morgan Hill

Cory Good Morning of Humble Beginnings in San Jose

Dan Moses of Strong Tattoo in San Jose

Dan Wysuph of State of Grace (San Jose)/Samuel O’Reilly’s Tatto Parlour (Santa Cruz)

Danny Boy Smith of Mom’s Body Shop in San Francisco

Eddie Reyes of Secret Sidewalk in Hayward, CA

Edu Cerro of Samuel O’Reilly’s Tattoo Parlour in Santa Cruz

Erik Rieth of 7^th Son Tattoo in San Francisco

Fernando Casillas of Metamorphic Tattoo of San Jose

George Capise of 7^th Son Tattoo in San Francisco

Grime of Primal Urge in San Francisco

Holly Ellis of Idle Hands Tattoo Studio in San Francisco

Horitomo of State of Grace in San Jose

House of Pain in Santa Clara

Hudge of F.U. Tattoo in Santa Cruz

Jackson of Humble Beginnings of San Jose

Jamie Ruth of Temple Tattoo in Oakland

Jason Litral of Metamorphic Tattoo in San Jose

Jeff Croci of Graven Image in Mountain View

Jill Bonny Horiyuki of State of Grace in San Jose

Klem of Samuel O’Reilly’s Tattoo Parlour in Santa Cruz

Luke Stewart of 7^th Son Tattoo in San Francisco

Martin Roberson of Lucky Stars in San Jose

Matt Shamah of Analog Tatto in San Jose

Natasha of Final Sin Tattoo in Pleasant Hill

Nervio of Diamond Club in San Francisco

Nick Rodin of Blackheart Tattoo in San Francisco

Norm of Primal Urge in San Francisco

Orly of 7^th Son Tattoo in San Francisco

Paco Dietz of Graven Image in Mountain View

Phil Holt of Primal Urge in San Francisco

Robert Cervantes of Lucky Stars in San Jose

Ron Earhart of Analog Tattoo in San Jose

Ryan Groebler of Stay True Tattoo in Dublin

Shannon Archuletta of Braindrops in San Francisco

Steve Andersen of Stay True Tattoo in Dublin

Steve Looney of Humble Beginnings in San Jose

Swype of Humble Beginnings in San Jose

Tobias of Humble Beginnings in San Jose

Yutaro Sakai of Primal Urge in San Francisco

As is my custom, a new year requires new challenges. This year, I am challenging myself to engage and complete 12 activitives (1 per month) I’ve never done before. Photographic evidence to follow. After all if two heterosexual hot girls made out at a club and no one saw it, are they really bisexual? Hmm? Are they?

January – Eat bugs & learn how to swim. I have to learn how to swim for my May challenge anyway so I didn’t think it was fair to list that as a challenge even though technically it is. So just to push myself a bit further, I decided to stand behind my words - I’ve always told people that I’d try anything once and I’ve always encouraged my 4 yr old niece and 6 yr old nephew to try new foods. Well during a visit to a candy store in Los Gatos called Powell’s Sweet Shoppe, I came across crickets & ants & larvae. All of which made me shudder and squirm. And because of that very reaction, it’s something I know I have to do.

February – Register to be a bone marrow donor

March – Build a snowman complete with carrot nose & top hat

April – Hold a tarantula and let it crawl from one hand to another

May – Wildflower Triathlon

June – Do a 6000 piece puzzle. I’m thinking Creation of Man by Michaelangelo seen here

July – BOSS Survival School

August – Walk completely nude at a nude beach & have a picnic

Sept – Dig for clams

October - Visit New York City

November – Milk a cow. But now that everything is high-tech, I can’t imagine where I’d be able to do this in the Bay Area. Any suggestions?

December – Ride a mechanical bull

Competitive Bodybuilding

Many of my clients are professional bodybuilders who compete on local, state and national levels. To say their bodies are amazing is the understatement equivalent of saying Einstein was just really smart. Competitive bodybuilders hone and shape their bodies to the point of physical artistry. Out of curiosity & at the suggestion of one of my clients, I attended a bodybuilding competition last year. Once there, any stereotypes or ignorant, uninformed misgivings I had of the sport and of the competitors themselves were blown to hell. Don’t kid yourself haters, if you had half the will and dedication these people have, you too would see that bodybuilding is a perfectly noble art form in and of itself.

Because I’m a licensed esthetician, I’m constantly getting requests for tanning and skin referrals among my bodybuilding buddies. Tanning, unfortunately, is a necessary evil when it comes to competitive bodybuilding. Evil because we all know it’s just so so bad to expose your skin to that much UV rays. Premature wrinkling aside, you’re just begging for skin cancer. But again, it’s necessary because, among other things, during competition, a consistent tan does highlight and accentuate all the muscles you’ve been working your ass off to show off. The lovely Tanji Johnson wrote an informative piece on the necessity of tanning for competitive bodybuilding that you can read here.

In Ms. Johnson’s article, she also mentions some self tanning lotions and creams you can use. Here’s the thing: among my bodybuilding clients, I’ve seen tans that have resulted from every darkening method possible – be it natural or unnatural. Tanning by sunlight is gorgeous but you can definitely see the wrinkling and dehydration that results from continuous sun exposure. Cream and lotions are heavily dependent upon who applies it and their level of expertise and practice. It takes practice, practice, practice for an even application. Professional airbrush tanning, in my opinion, is the best way to go: the skin is still hydrated and supple AND with just the perfect amount of shading. Hint: Always ask for an experienced airbrusher, bonus points if they have bodybuilding clientele so they know exactly what/where to highlight. Two places in the bay area that offer it are Exotica Airbrushing Tanning and Four Seasons Tanning in Los Gatos. It’s a little bit pricier than the other methods but then if you think about all the time and energy you dedicate for competition, why wouldn’t you spend a little extra on the tanning to make sure all your detailed muscles and crevices get the attention and adulation they deserve?